It started off simple, but quickly became complex. Although my heart wanted more, I had to refrain from overindulgence. A young man who would come in to my life and turn me upside down. Have me think left when I want to go right. Such a complex feeling; such a bittersweet affair.
The Morehouse logo on your hoodie makes my heart flutters ten thousand times.
“He’s educated!”
Our conversation gets deep when we want it to be. You’re much more than the average PG County “Joe”.
Stroking my hair, down to my ego, it’s difficult to pass you up. I found myself wanting more.
I wanted more…
I wanted more…
I wanted more!
Each time you left, there was a stain on my soul.
Defeated in my pride, I’d be the first to call…but…no response.
With each empty second, I’d wonder…
Although it was but for a moment, loving you on the balcony was one of the fondest memories I’ve had in this often lonely space. But your silence reminds me that we are just “chillin” and I’m forced to back away.
The days go by and my mind is clouded with emotional highs and lows. So I weigh my options and yours in the process.
I ask myself, “Where’s this going?”
My answer, “I don’t know.” I know where I want it to go, but my focus was destined to be on our reality.
“If he wanted you, he’d make himself available to you.” I pause and sigh as I think of more logical reasons why it’s a bad idea for us to continue down this road of ecstasy. But wait! I don’t want loose this bond. I’ve wanted it for years and now I must give it up? Damn you voice of reason!
Over and over I thought of the pros and cons. Sadly the thought of possibly hindering your motivation to become successful pushed me back farther. The thought of becoming attached to a young man who has yet to reach his peak in the dating world made you untouchable. All the while, my hands are extended to you – trying to hold on to whatever I can that is good.
“But he’s everything I’d want,” I argue. Finally tired of reasoning with me, logic slaps me in the face. “He still has a few years to catch up, besides you are the only one who wants more.”
That’s when I look at our situation and find that my hands can no longer reach you. We are too far apart in years and in life. And my hands fall to my side as my heart aches at the thought of the man you will be. Of the woman you will have and of the lifestyle you will create for yourself. It pains me even more to know that I might be a hindrance at this point since I’m talking something a bit more permanent, and you…well I doubt you even know the definition.
For now, I’m satisfied with being with you from afar. In my mind, I’ll keep you tucked away where we can meet and play and love on each other as much as we’d like. We might be on different sides of the hemisphere but I enjoy keeping you close in thought. For now anyway.
